For us and those who have to live with us. I wrote this for you.
Man, where to begin?
The first thing you should know is that men are much more complex than we let on. The narrative that we’re un-emotional is bullshit. We have complex emotions.
The issue though is that we weren’t really given a good blue print for how we’re supposed to process them. Much less any instruction on how to convey to you what we’re feeling and experiencing.
None of that was in the manual.
Lineage
We learned from observation. Any of you who’ve said a curse word in front of your kid only to hear them repeat it five minutes later is very aware of how keenly kids observe their parents.
In the 70s, 80s, and 90s the lucky boys had fathers who worked their asses off. Often upwards of 60 hours a week just to keep the family afloat. The unlucky ones may have never even met their fathers.
Mad Men
When we did see our dads, do you think they were in a balanced, optimal state? With the capacity and patience to be present and actively engaged in shaping us?
Hell no. They were exhausted. They were pissed. Pissed at their boss, pissed at their bills, pissed at themselves for having a shitty boss and lots of bills.
They were in survival mode.
So in a way, we were too.
Liquid Remedy
What’s a human’s first inclination when we get into discomfort? Get out of it right? This is where substances come in.
Our parents, whose parents didn’t have the capacity to teach them emotional regulation found relief in cans and bottles.
Everybody knew not to piss dad off when he was drinking. Just stay out of his way. Be careful not to step on a land mine-and deal with your own shit.
Golden Achiever
Many boys grew up afraid of their fathers, while also being driven by a deep seeded desire to gain his approval.
Like I said, we learn by observation so we studied him. We learned exactly what upset him and also what we needed to do to get a small sliver of attention or affirmation.
Quiet down, do better, repeat.
Source Code
We didn’t know it at the time, but our reactions to our parents’ reactions to us were the source code of our original operating system.
We learned how to avoid pain and how to earn praise before we even got to kindergarten.
Once there, we learned a whole bunch of other stuff, but most of us never go back to that source code.
Man Child
Many of the men you know are still running on their original operating system. This includes high ranking officials, CEO’s, political leaders, and maybe the guy reading this right now.
Sure, their intellect or professional acumen may be incredibly advanced, but many of them struggle with the human side of their responsibilities.
Because they’re still struggling with the human side of themselves.
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